Whenever I have walked a path that has required me to keep secrets or conceal truths I have felt it, instinctively, intuitively, to be "wrong"... or perhaps, a better word is "inappropriate".
At various times, I said "yes" to contexts wherein others asked me or simply expected me to live in such way that was defensive of certain "truths" or identities. Oh, so many things and people and relationships needing to be protected!!
What I've realized about that, in the time since, is that the contexts were and are utter bullshit. IF the contexts were real, if they were authentic and legitimate, they would not need protection or defending. What is real and true cannot ever be threatened, harmed, damaged, or destroyed.
This is why Andi and I are transparent. This is why we put all of our own stuff "out there", without censorship, without sweetening, without filters. Everything that we are, everything that we believe in, or stand for... Everything that we have done or experienced, for better or worse... Everything that we aspire to and are guided to work for and towards... right out there, as honestly and as raw as we can. This undefended posture is not always easy to stand in. It is not always easy to make that choice. But we do, and for me, the choice has a lot to do with what I learned about things that need to be "protected" via concealment.
We (all of us ~ every human being) become absolutely "invulnerable" by choosing to be absolutely vulnerable. When we have nothing to hide, no secrets to protect, no part of us that we defend or protect, there is nothing that can have power over us. To hold that undefended posture requires infinite surrender to all that we cannot control, all that we cannot predict. It requires us to face our fears, named and un-named, and travel through them far past the gut instinct of "fight or flight".
It requires radical honesty with ourselves, first and foremost.
If we hide things from ourselves, we cannot possibly stand before the world without armor.
I choose to be totally open about all of my beauty and ugliness. I choose, again and again, to open up the doors of all of my "secrets"... and then, when people want to rummage around in my closet for skeletons, those spaces are empty and there is nothing there for anyone to use against me... and how preferable is THAT, to be dancing around in the open with my skeleton crew, than worrying about what people may discover and worrying about anyone or anything shaking my foundation??!!!
Now, there are small and large personal secrets... and there are bigger collective secrets that require collusion. Those collective secrets were shared with me, in a conspiratorial way, and a nudge and a wink, and of course, a built in "enemy". I was enlisted to expend a fuq-ton of energy to maintain the "protection" of the context, the individuals whom that context served, and the relationships and actions that were justified via the context. The most recent context that manifested like this employed the Atlantean story... the secrets "protecting" the people who would restore the "Atlantean wisdoms and the Atlantean royal families", which/who would serve the healing of Gaia (something very near and dear to my heart and soul, natch). There was just enough truth in the story, and within the context, to inspire me to invest thousands of hours of my time and energy for the "cause" and for the benefit of those who were leading the cause. Disparities between stated mission and actual manifestation eventually caused me to step far away from the context. Obvious dissonance between authenticity and the way in which everything was so guarded led me to remove my energy from that context and those relationships.
Again: whatsoever is Real, requires no defense. Secrets did not make the supposed truth any more secure.
Secrets revealed that the supposed truth was only a sand castle, able to be washed away by something far more real and indisputable.
If there is something in my life or something that I serve that I cannot be absolutely out in the open about, it is not Real.
If there is something that asks me to hide it or defend it, it is a Lie.
My job then, is to peel away all of the layers of illusion and get into the rawness of what IS Real and to remain there, standing in resolute undefendedness.
When the apparent threats come, when the raw core seems to be in danger, that is the moment when I need to say "yes", all the more consciously and all the more willingly.
In martial arts, I was taught to learn how to take the blow. This was smart... damn, damn smart of my teachers... They wanted me to learn not to flinch and not to be reactive in the face of an attack. I had to be willing to feel what it actually feels like to receive the hit. The willingness and the undefended posture were the gifts they were giving me. I did not actually grok that ~ I did not actually understand that, fully ~ until years later, when I began to engage in the emotional alchemical healing work that I do, which is now like breathing to me, it is so integrated. I finally understood, from the inside, out ~ that to be willing, to be surrendered, to the "blow" of anything I could feel or experience ~ was the way through to a position of REAL strength.
When I could walk around in the world, raw, and undefended, working my way through fears, insecurities, old wounds, core limitations... sometimes crying, snot running out of my nose, eyes red, body weak.... that is when I KNEW I was "indestructible". Indestructible because I was willing to be destroyed by my own fears, lies, stories, defenses, and every possible threat from within or without I could imagine. I was able to say "yes" to being destroyed and to experience death over and over and find myself still here, still standing, and... miraculously... clear of the things that had previously held me captive to having to conceal, hide, protect, and in essence, give away all of my energy and will to concealing, hiding, and protecting. There was no room for anything else!! Once the space was cleared ~ more and more room being made every time I moved through another chunk of my stuff ~ I realized that there was revealed a landscape wide open with potential...
TOTALLY without prior context and perfect.
TOTALLY leaving me empowered and invited to co-create something new, beautiful and without need of being protected at all.
So. This is why... this is why I know that whatever context requires covert action and communication and active secrecy is a Lie.
This is why transparency and vulnerability are key in living the fullest life possible.
This is why, I decided: to be authentic and real is worth being undefended.
The whole wide field of potential... is our inheritance!! A pure creative landscape!! A blank canvas, waiting for us to make glorious art upon it!! If we can but say "yes" to remaining open to it.